The Ultimate Performance Enhancer
*This post is by guest author Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman.
For sports fans, one of the saddest side notes of the new millennium has been performance enhancing drug scandals in some of our favorite pastimes like baseball, football, and dwarf square dancing.
Caption: annabananabobaloo
Enough of Barry Bonds’ enlarged melon, Rafael Palmiero’s finger wagging, and Marion Jones’ contrived tear ducts. But in the last two years, we’ve seen evidence that there are other natural enhancers that do not call for syringes or ask you to seek medical treatment for improvements to your love life – the mustache.
Yes, the lip sweater, the lower nose garden, the mouth brow, the fuzzy tickler – whatever you wish to call it. And a combination of science and sport are slowly proving the lip sweater is the ultimate performance enhancing substance.
Consider:
• In Oklahoma, a young Mustached American named Landry Jones made Oklahoma Sooners forget about the injured Sam Bradford, last year’s Heisman Trophy winner, for a while.
• Or in St. Louis, home of the world’s largest mustache – the Gateway Arch – before this baseball season Brenda Ryan was nothing more than an also-ran utility infielder simply fighting for a few nickels to pay for his next lap dance. His mustache pushed an overachieving team into the playoffs (which then lost to the Dodgers).
• And then there’s Clay Zavada of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Before 2009, most Americans thought “zavada” was a light chicken gravy. Now, we know he’s the torchbearer of outstanding relief pitchers wearing the Rollie Fingers-esque handlebar mustache.
Each of these men, ironically, are finalists for the American Mustache Institute’s Robert Goulet Memorial Mustache American of the Year, which of course will be named at on Oct. 30 in St. Louis at ‘Stache Bash 2009, featuring the legendary John Oates.
So the question remains: are these coincidences?
Not likely. No, what we have here is a case of budding stars who are once again proving the theorem that there is no more powerful performance enhancing substance than a robust mustache.
Carry on.
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*Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman, chief executive officer of the American Mustache Institute, is considered the leading U.S. authority on Mustached American culture, financial well being, and good looks.
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